57. Others’ perceptions

A recent remark triggered me to write this. So, with humour, here’s my take on others’ perceptions on my cancer survival journey.

The mirror says I look good. I put on make-up even if I am not going out. I wear make-up to throw the rubbish, a quick grocery run. Just imagine there’s paparazzi hiding behind the lamp post or your neighbour’s dustbins! Or someone’s husband walking the dog! Apply glamour, however you want, in all aspect of your life. I do it unapologetically. That’s me.

Then you ask yourself, what defines as looking and feeling healthy? In my personal opinion, whatever you want to project. If you are happy with it, fantastic. I decided when I was diagnosed not wanting to see a reflection of a person all sad, drained, colourless. Bald but gorgeously bald. I started looking for ear-rings to match the look. Developed a good kind of unhealthy obsession. Head scarves with fancy head bands. Red lips. Never felt better. Never felt more gorgeous. Camera, action! That’s me.

Whatever you do, there’s always some who would make your glamour decision backfire. They say I look ”super fine & alert” to be sick, let alone cancer. Sure the pain was/is there. Would demonstrating it help ease the pain? No! It’s my pain & no one can take it away. I’m not going to act for you so that I can paint a picture of a sick person! I’ll do that anytime in a movie & be glamorously sick. That’s me.

Then there are some thinking of glamour on another level, saying, ”at least you will get new boobs”. Could we change places please? You take my cancer & the new boobs! No second thoughts. I’ll throw in a couple of my red lip sticks! I need the rest for my signature diabolique red lips. That’s me.

Recently I was told that I am able to maintain my ideal weight only because of Cancer! Unlike those who are healthy. A Nobel prize worthy discovery - bravo! If you have taken tons of Cortisone & other strong pain killers, you will put on weight for the most. Also, if you are on medication to help reduce the risk of a relapse, you will put on weight too, for the most. It is a struggle to maintain the weight. There are times when appetite disappears & I hardly have a proper full meal. Sometimes you detest all the sugary food like ice creams & chocolate - it is like a yo-yo. Then you feel damn greedy & binge on something you love only to have a ball throwing up. The positive look on this - I can still dance. That’s me.

And oops, I do dress up for my medical appointments and get to hear ”seeing a doctor is not like going to Vegas”. I brighten up the corridors of the hospital & clinic. In fact, I became the topic & no one complaints. People have something else to comment on instead of needles & tubes. I enjoyed it & it made me put more effort on myself to look & feel good. I always breezed in & breezed out. That’s me.

The craziest one was during the beginning stages of treatment, someone said, “if you were to die, it’s ok because you have lived a long life”. If everyone around us start giving each other a death certificate on sight, population will decline rapidly. Someone above me wanted me to be around a bit longer to disappoint a few. And create havoc & frighten the devil. That’s me.

My arms are not long enough to grab & hug all of you, near & far, who took (still do) time to come see me or check on me during my journey, without me asking. Many are genuinely touched, some to fulfil some sense of duty, some to let the world know you’ve done your part, many unconditionally & some conditionally. To hear the words “wasted my time & money coming to see you” just b’cos I didn’t reciprocate the way you have expectantly visualised & swiftly on time when you wanted, was indeed sad. It only made my fear of disappointment both ways hold back from asking or being a burden when you do. You cannot control anyone with your kindness or generosity. Anyway, I’ve had conversation with God to make sure you are not forgotten in his blessings for being there for me. Truly. God & I, we are like buddies, we talk & argue. That’s me.

We all have our issues, Cancer or not. That’s why we are called human. And it is so human & a norm to always compare, to become a victim yourself, or detest seeing someone else survive. Hej, you can continue to be like that if that makes you happy. The world cannot revolve with only skinny people nor with only obese people. It takes all kinds of people to call this earth our world. Am no angel, don’t aspire to be one. Gosh….that’s deep, better crawl up to ground level & be crazy instead!

Ok, I need to stop here & sort out some clothes - shorten the hem lines or rip the jeans - warmer weather is here to stay. Don’t judge me God, we’ll take that conversation soon.

I’ll continue to dream which may entail havoc in my life. To each his own - cheers to that. Thank you for hanging along.

Be you.

I heard the Whispers of “mirrors” . . . . . “you look good”

May 2026