55. Never Ending Story

If you can put it in black & white exactly how your journey will be from the day you are diagnosed, with no deviation whatsoever, one need not strive to be strong, brave, nor depressed, endure the pain of uncertainty. Empathy will be replaced by pitifulness & expectation of getting back to normal, like after a bad bout of flu. Who knows, in the far future maybe …..

World Cancer Day was on 470272026

Established on 4 February 2000 at the World Cancer Summit Against Cancer held in Paris, the charter was signed by the then General Director of UNESCO, Kōichirō Matsuura, and then French President Jacques Chirac (Source: Wikipedia)

It is also called the annual awareness day. In my personal bias opinion, as a breast cancer fighter, the word “awareness” should include awareness of what an individual person with cancer goes through. Not collectively but individually. And it need not be just one day of awareness because cancer is not going to go away in one day. Trust me, I know. You will never find a more loyal friend than Cancer. Of course you can ignore it too - everyone is going through this thing called life.

Being able to recognise that each cancer experience is unique.

Each breast cancer experience is unique.

Each type of breast cancer is unique.

Just because you know someone with breast cancer survived 30 years “with no problem” doesn’t mean it applies to all. In fact, cancer or no cancer, we all perish on different days/time/age. Why? Am no scientist but want to believe it is because we are all unique individuals.

A loud constant quarrel between my head & heart goes on in my head . . .

every time I hear of a warrior gone with a fight;

every time I am called for a test;

every time something is not right with the tests;

every time I am called for a mammogram or scan;

every time I think I’m in pain or imagine a lump;

every time I have to wait for result!

Agree it can be overwhelming for everyone - your plates are full too. Like everything else, all these talks must end some time, right? Believe me when I say I want that too.  Grateful for all those who can tolerate us - tolerate me -that’s sh*t strength.

It’s like history repeats itself. Last week, before January ended, I was asked to come back to do a scan -something was not right with the routine mammogram. That was how it all started in January 2022. Just when you think you will cross the 5-year milestone to say ‘cancer free’ you are tortured with the thought it might come back for another visit. Tortured with the waiting. At the time of writing, I’ve somewhat become calm, simply because I cannot do anything about this. Que sera, sera, what will be will be.

My first reaction was I don’t want to know if it is back. Just leave it. Am doing okay, right. Which is more painful? The fact it might/has self-invited itself or going through the whole f**king procedure all over again? The whole thing flashed infront of me. My wonderful doctor said, how can I make a decision when there is nothing to decide on? Decide when the result comes. By then I will see things differently. Hmm, might need to get some pink ribbons to welcome back my friend. . . and be fashionable again with my baldness, after all it did turn heads!

Damn, my eyelashes still at its baby stage after the last treatment. My lipstick is untouchable though . . . not compromising on that one. Need to search for new colours to match my mood.

Am grateful for who I’ve become out of this unique experience. I’m here, there, everywhere, like a little ninja, annoying some in the process, but not strong just getting on with it, just being me, unapologetically me.

Hugs to all cancer warriors, I stand by you Hugs to all who tolerate & support, I stand by you too.

I heard the Whispers of “ fear “ . . . . . “you will defeat me”

February 2026